...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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