I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So apparently I’m into choking now
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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