yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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