why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
