at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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