cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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