I wish I could teleport
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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