you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
