im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
