Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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