I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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