I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
