I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
