I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
