guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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