If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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