Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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