I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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