just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
