So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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