what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
