my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
