Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
