I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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