I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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