It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
