The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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