My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
