you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
