We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
