Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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