puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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