I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
