i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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