Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
