i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
