I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
