i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
