I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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