You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
