dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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