My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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