I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
