I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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