Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
