I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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