Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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