I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
