I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
