my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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