I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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