My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
