god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
