We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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