Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
