so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I party with great urgency now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
