i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
