I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We got so high we made milksteak
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
