my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
